cable guy

More apologies! Now!

February 22, 2010: 10:08 AM ET

Now that Tiger has apologized and been on the front page of every newspaper in the United States humiliating himself, I'd like to suggest a few more people who should apologize to us and be raked over the coals until we're tired of doing so.

I'd like an apology from Akio Toyoda for attempting to minimize the size of the recall on those floor mats in 2007. I'd also like an apology from the Bush-era regulators who permitted Toyota to catch that break.

I'd like an apology from Bill Clinton, for giving his enemies all the ammunition they ever needed.

I'd like an apology from .Lloyd Blankfein I don't really know why, but he seems to be the butt of a lot of animus aimed at Wall Street, so why not.

I'd like a really big apology from all the guys who brought us the recession. Their names are already fading into the vast well of collective amnesia, but it wouldn't take long to unearth them and haul them in front of the cameras. John Thain! Yeah, let's get an apology from John Thain for redecorating his new office while his company was receiving bailout money. I don't think I heard you, John! Say you're sorry!

I'd like a huge apology from all those parasitic, greedy losers in the financial sector who got a bonus that was bigger than mine.

I'd like an apology from FDR for all the times he slept with his wife's social secretary. Nobody reported it then, but he was cheating on Eleanor all over the place. You can look it up. Not a word of apology. He's got a descendant in Congress right now, though. That guy can apologize for his whole family.

Something about Eisenhower, too. I read that someplace. He can be apologized for too, right? I mean, fair is fair.

And Lord Byron. He was a total joke. He should have said he was sorry at the time, but he didn't. He just died very young. That's a form of apology, but I think the Queen of England should step forward and say she was sorry for their entire nation. Unless she does, I don't think one impressionable student should have his or her heart broken by being forced to admire a poet who was such an irresponsible  jerk.

And what about Thomas Jefferson? Man wasn't fit to be elected dog catcher, what with all his flagrant sexual and racial inconsistencies and improprieties. Did he ever say he was sorry? No. How many young people who put their trust in his example will be disappointed when they find out? Somebody should apologize before another nickel is spent by tourists at Monticello.

I think most of us would like to get an apology from the ideologues and other fibbers who told us there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I think they knew there weren't. Now look at where we are. Come on, Colin Powell! I saw you with those charts at the U.N.! Say you're sorry!

And you know what? I think it would be nice to get an apology from all the banks that foreclosed on people's homes in 2009 and then declared record profits. I know there are a million good reasons why the finance behind that situation is justified. But I think an apology for that discrepency is long overdue, even as they continue to foreclose on people's homes and drive profits skyward. Just because you apologize for stuff doesn't mean you don't intend to do it again, believe me, I know that from personal experience.

I'd like an apology from everybody who runs the Internet, for ruining my ability to sit in a quiet room and think for more than two minutes without checking something online. No, wait! That's right! NOBODY runs the Internet. Who's responsible for that situation? Huh?

And oh yeah, I'd like an apology from Frank Sinatra, who had a lot of bad attitudes and slept with many women who were not his wives.  His record label should really step up. People looked up to that guy.

Other guys who haven't apologized enough yet: John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Richard Fuld, Mark Sanford, Napoleon, Stan O'Neal, Tiberius Caesar, Alan Greenspan, and the guys from the cable company who told me they were going to be there between 8 AM and noon and never showed up.

Their apology, like everybody else's in this day and age, will not be accepted.

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