By Stanley Bing
FORTUNE -- Ever since my Roomba carpet-cleaning robot ran over my foot and masticated my shoe, I have been wary of robots as substitutes for actual working persons. I particularly felt that my job in management was safe from the incursion of machines with friendly faces painted on the front of their heads, or whatever you call the metal constructions atop their shoulders, if those are indeed shoulders.
Now I'm not so sure. Apparently there are two economists from MIT who believe, as the New York Times put it recently, "that the pace of automation is accelerating and that robotics is pushing into new areas of the workforce like white-collar jobs that were previously believed to be beyond the scope of computers." In other words, my position is now challenged not only by mergers, restructurings, and the incursions of management consultants who have to earn their bread and butter by eliminating mine, but also by robots.
Well, you know what? I don't think there's a robot alive or on the horizon who could do my job. Let's look at it.
Could a robot work long hours under intense pressure on a project only to see it evaporate when senior management turns its gaze to other enthusiasms? Well ... I guess so. Robots don't get frustrated or angry. They don't have drinks with dinner and fall asleep on the couch, either. They don't even need to go home! So ... fine. Chalk one up for the robots.
Can a robot sit in long meetings without dozing, doodling, or disgracing itself? Okay, yes again. Ah, but could it contribute salient observations to secure its status, drawing on past discussions to make sure that what it said was organizationally consistent and not obnoxious to senior management? Probably. But not with the subtlety or panache that you or I would bring to the job.
Can a robot interject a witticism or bon mot that adroitly lightens the mood? No! On the other hand, it could be stocked with a bank of jokes to deploy during silences. Such cybernetic jests would probably be even funnier than when cracked by a human being, especially the ones I know.
What about sucking up? I think I have the edge here. I know that when an elevator says, "Have a nice day," it means nothing to me. So it's possible that jobs that support executives with big egos are still safe.
How about management skills? Could an android listen to the whining, requests for advancement, and entreaties for guidance and affection that pour from subordinates? Sure it could. Frankly, all that would be easier on the robot than it is on me.
Certainly, a robot cannot schmooze. I can't imagine a sales robot, for instance. And it won't be able to enjoy a sausage sandwich with the guys, or forge a bond with its colleagues over a vat of martinis after work. Although I guess you could program a robot to get progressively more stupid and inappropriate. A drunk robot would probably be more entertaining than half the guys I know.
What about passion, dedication, loyalty? Can a robot provide those? No! On the other hand, it's easier to retire a robot when its day is done. You just throw it on the junk heap ... the way they did to Bob Podorsky, who used to head up the Northwest sales operation until last month ...
I'd say this appears to be a tie.
The Institute for Emerging Ethics and Technologies reports that professor Kevin Warwick of the University of Reading, U.K., "took that bold step to implant a BrainGate device onto his median nerve in his forearm to be able to control electronic devices" not too long ago, effectively taking the first step in merging man and machine. I don't think that's a bad direction to go. Wire me up. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be replaced until I'm ready to go back to being a human being full-time.
This story is from the February 25, 2013 issue of Fortune.
Follow Stanley Bing at stanleybing.com and on Twitter at @thebingblog.
My friend held an employee meeting in China. It was not business as usual.
By Stanley Bing
FORTUNE -- When it comes to doing business, it can pretty much be said that every place is different. I remember going to Irving, Texas, a long time ago, where I was greeted by a gray-faced, six-foot-tall woman dressed entirely in gray with a massive bonnet of steel-gray hair who smoked continually throughout the MOREJan 16, 2013 5:00 AM ET
My friend outlived his usefulness. I'm having a hard time letting go.
FORTUNE -- This was a sad week for me. A good friend had to be put down. He got old, that's all. It happens to each of us; we've all got a SELL BY date stamped on our butts. But this was a tough one. It's hard for me to think about him, sitting on a shelf somewhere gathering MOREBing - Oct 24, 2012 5:00 AM ET
Long term be damned. Give us layoffs, cut expenses, and don't forget all the cash you can fit into a sailor's trunk.
FORTUNE -- I went to see my friend Vronsky, who is trying to keep his corporation on a positive growth curve in spite of, you know, everything. These days that takes faith as well as strategy. So I knew where to find him.
There he was, precisely where I thought MOREBing - Sep 19, 2012 5:00 AM ET
Take this quiz and find out whether you are in step with the times.
FORTUNE – It's increasingly clear that the world is full of people who believe that the rules, in life and in business, do not apply to them. Every day you read tales of miscreancy in finance, politics, organized religion, and its cultural counterpart, organized sports. It's no mystery why trust in our institutions is at an all-time MOREBing - Sep 5, 2012 5:00 AM ET
An interview with the sexiest superstar in science since Einstein.
FORTUNE – On July 4, scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland announced the discovery of a particle that is probably the Higgs Boson, an entity that, it is believed, interacts with the building blocks of the universe to give them mass. Since mass is important, and heretofore unexplained, the Boson immediately became the star of the scientific, intellectual, and MOREBing - Aug 15, 2012 5:00 AM ET
If the downturn is receding, why is my mood indigo?
By Stanley Bing
FORTUNE -- Spring has sprung. The grass is riz. So it's reasonable to ask where the birdies is. Because I don't know about you, but I don't see no birdies. I'm tense. I'm nervous. I guess you could say that my consumer confidence is sort of ... leaky. Why should that be? All signs point to a slow MOREMay 2, 2012 5:00 AM ET
In the market, as in baseball, sometimes all it takes is one bad call.maryjopham - Jul 21, 2010 2:41 PM ET
Comscore, which measures these things, put out a press release today that indicates that my brother, Bing the Search Engine, is off to a pretty good start. This, I have to feel, is at least in part due to the tremendous public relations push that I gave Baby Bing on the day it was born. Here's what Comscore had to say, in part:
Bing Off to a Good Start in First MOREBing - Jun 9, 2009 2:49 PM ET
Today Microsoft announced it would be launching a new search engine that will compete with Yahoo and Google in the vast hunt for search bucks. In an incredible act of branding sagacity, they announced that the name of the new search engine will be: Bing.
In response to this, today I have issued the following news release:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
BING VS. BING
LONG-TIME FORTUNE COLUMNIST AND BEST-SELLING AUTHOR STANLEY BING CONDEMNS "BRAND INTRUSION" MOREBing - May 28, 2009 12:26 PM ET
|America's economic mobility myth|
|Stocks: Where to make money in 2014|
|Victoria's Secret model wears 3-D printed wings|
|Treasury closes the book on GM bailout with final stock sale|
|Snowden docs had NYTimes exec fearing for his life|