This just in! GM's 2010 car line!April 28, 2009: 2:23 PM ET
Word comes today that GM (GM) has offered the Government a majority stake in the Company as part of its restructuring plan. This was both expected and widely reported. What is less well known, however, is the creation of a new line of GM cars that has been designed, in large part, to sell the concept of Federal ownership to lawmakers. This blog has been leaked a highly confidential draft of this plan, and it is my pleasure to share the bare outlines with you today. New cars now being prepped for the assembly line of the new General Motors include:
The Senator: Heavy in the beam, with a brilliant white canopy, this limousine sucks up gas and oil like a tank but is expected to come with a lot of attractive perks and, if well-maintained, a long life-span.
The Congressman: Long and low-to-the-ground, this slightly cheesy but attractive sedan has a tendency to blow a lot of exhaust and is clearly meant to be traded in for a new model every couple of years.
The House Republican: A lot tougher than it appears given its light weight and manoeuverability, and capable of converting from a conservative brougham into a revolutionary coupe in the wink of an eye.
The Lobbyist: Small, fast, and very expensive, this car is designed to outlive many of its owners.
The Timmy Gee: This classy, two-door vehicle comes only in gray and is equipped with a set of well-disguised flame throwers that extinguish any extraneous life forms in their path when fully activated. Most reliable when fully garaged in an affluent suburb.
The SEC Cruiser: An SUV that only operates in rescue mode, and even then only when jump started by another more powerful vehicle.
The Barackmobile: The ultimate luxury car in the GM line. How it will operate is still shrouded in mystery, but the firm has put all its hopes into it and believes that, in the end, it just might be the answer to its current difficulties.